Ohh, you’re the non-chinese guy then. :) Which committee ka nung orsem? Haha
WHICH ONE? D: Hahaha, I plan to drop some of my orgs, haha so yeah. I kind of have a clue, but I’m still not sure. :(
I think I know who this is, but then I’m still not sure. Haha, someone said that he wasn’t chinese, and someone said he was from myplace, but I don’t think you’re them so…. I’m confused. Haha
I kind of made this last Saturday I think. I read a children’s book called “Goose Goes Shopping” a few days before Saturday. Pretty amazing shit right there.
I realized I wanted to make my own children’s book too.
Haha, thanks! I’m really flattered. Honestly though, wala naman akong great wall. Doesn’t matter if you’re not Chinese (I’ve seen Chinese guys all throughout highschool, medyo sawa na ako haha), but sabi nga nila “yung isa sa reasons kung bakit hindi ka crush ng crush mo is: hindi ka niya kilala”. Say hi lang :)
Hahaha, cool. I don’t know you though.
I joined 15 orgs on my 3rd year in ADMU:
- ACIL (I might drop this one)
- WriterSkill (SpecProj Deputy member)
- Google Student Group
I hope the Lord blesses me with a good org life, sleep, and good acads. Amen.
No matter how far she may be, no matter how much my parents refuse, I’d still do anything to get a tattoo from her.
"I will travel across the lands, searching far and wide" -"Pokemon Theme Song", 1998
My last day of finals week-
I can’t go home to my family saying that I practically failed a subject, especially since they expected so much out of me. I told them that I would never fail a subject
The only choice I have left is either to hang myself or overdose.
It’s Thursday. I just finished doing my school work, exams for the week just finished, and I am tired. A good time to ponder on life. I haven’t been in a completely good mood, so I’ll just do a quick run through the worst things that have happened to my life.
1. At around age 5, my brother sexually abused me. He was 11 at the time. I lost my oral virginity during my childhood. This only happened once though.
2. Throughout my childhood, the same brother physically abused me as well, threatening me with violence if I choose not to do what he says (simple things like getting him water, etc.). He would often punch me, or kick me for being a “bad kid” whenever there aren’t any adults around. This lasted for around 6 years.
3. When I started studying in school, I was often bullied for many purposes (usually because I was thought to be gay). This is the reason as to why I currently have major anxiety issues. This lasted for 10 years. From elementary school to high school, I was bullied through verbal and relational aggression because of speculations that I was gay (which was horrible, because I actually am gay, and it destroyed my self-conception). I was outcasted, and was forced to find support from the girls. I grew up thinking that being gay meant I was destined to be outcasted from society.
4. The bullying in high school got so bad, that I reached a point in my life where in I wanted to kill myself. I already had a plan to kill myself, but I was eventually able to change my mind and get back up with a little help from some of my closest best friends who were there for me at the lowest point of my life. My suicidal thoughts were rooted to majority of my peers humiliating me for a cover I did on Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way”. It hurt for two major reasons:
- It was as if society was telling me that my life goal was unreachable, and I felt as if I had no talent, as if I was vocally incompetent, and that my goal to be a singer was next to impossible. My dreams were being shattered right then and there.
- As an adolescent, peers’ acceptance is a vital thing. As more of my batch mates in high school directly showed me hatred, disgust, degradation, and humiliation, I was also unable to accept myself for my sexuality (since I was also a Christian at the time, until now) and identity status (since I firmly believed that no one was going to like me).
My self-esteem at the time was at its all time low. I believed I was incompetent and I lacked the ability to achieve anything. I also believed that I was at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and no one was going to like me no matter what I did. I feel as if I had no talents, no capabilities, like I was worthless, like no one loved me. Until now, these thoughts still haunt me, but I just try to think positively. No one knows how hard I try just to get over these thoughts, these doubts of my own self-worth in my mind. As I reminisce how I was humiliated constantly whenever the teacher wasn’t around, I could just remember how my peers laughed at my embarrassment. How some of my friends just ignored what was happening, and did nothing. It was like torture that I could not escape. Thankfully, it didn’t take long before we graduated high school.
5. Lastly, my currently ongoing issue involves my family for 2 reasons:
- Just recently, my brother’s fiance (one of my best friends) died because of organ complications. My brother is taking it hard (its the same brother who abused me as a child), but in order to cope with this experience, he found a new girlfriend. He does not have any friends, and has only minimal support from our family, which is why he turns to women for emotional support. My family is fighting because of this issue; and the stress from the family conflict paired with the difficulty of coping after her death is just a big emotional burden.
- My family has consistently told me since I was a kid that being gay is a bad thing, and they told me that I would be kicked out from our house if I were to be a homosexual. I myself am already half-way out of the closet, since most of my friends know of my homosexuality. My friends are very accepting in which they helped me in my personal adjustment by providing me with support; however, at home, my sexuality is still a constant issue that is always at the back of my mind. Knowing that I would have to leave my family eventually, because they can never provide me with the warmth and acceptance of a real family is a sad image for me.
Luckily, my god-mother, my nanny since I was born, actually had an emotional experience with me when I decided to come out to her. It was a risk, but coming out to her made me feel as if a big burden was lifted off. She initially reacted negatively because of her strong Roman Catholic beliefs, but after a few tears, she set aside her own beliefs and was eventually able to understand and accept me unconditionally. This is why she is one of the few people I consider as my real family. Without her there, I would not have been able to cope with all of the depressive negative experiences from my past, and I would never be who I am now.
As a transition occurred
From my tiny backpack
to a fifty pound luggage,
just a heavy excess on my back
To turn into of Notre Dame
When isolation daily came
seeing all of them smile,
As my garbage piled.
To let go of this trash,
This baggage as they say;
the putrid stench, and tremendous weight-
Is a wish that are smiles away.
This is just a short background of a really aggravating experience with my Theology professor. It began when I, together with my groupmates (composed of five students), passed him our personal reflection papers about death; and since the five of us were the first ones to pass, I felt like I achieved something. The professor eventually recognized our efforts, and quickly scanned through our five papers like how a kid would scroll through the pages of the newspaper, looking for the comics. He said his comments and issues with our papers without explicitly exposing which of the papers had faults. I felt good because the content of my paper was near to the ideal content according to my professor’s comments. However, when he said a recognizable line, the title of my paper, “Sudden Death” which was attributed to my brother’s fiancé’s surprise death. He said that although some deaths are sudden, there are others that are long and painful like those who die of cancer or chronic illnesses. I was offended by this gesture of his, it was as if I did not state it on my paper, where in fact I did. I explicitly stated, “it can be anticipated if one has a chronic incurable disease such as cancer or AIDS”. I tried speaking up to defend myself, but the professor just shrugged my attempt of verbal self-defense. This made me feel helpless and unable to do anything, like a sense of powerlessness under an ignorant authority figure covered my existence.
End of rant.
Watching Perks of Being a Wallflower for the second time, I’m just reminded of how deeply connected I am with the whole atmosphere of the movie itself, but specifically, I can name two characters.
Brad: This guy put into mind the typical recurring major issue of my life, the way how my sexuality is a big issue with my family; how much I have to hide my being homo like how a conservative boy would cover his penis in the locker room. Like it’s such a taboo thing to show what you have, what you are. Knowing that the people who are supposed to support you, the ones who you can supposedly trust with every little secret, every little imperfection, can easily throw you away like you’re worth next to nothing.
Charlie: This guy, I can relate to him the most. I will not go into specifics, but I will say this: I myself am not a wallflower, I have multiple friends; but that’s probably the only difference we have.
1. I bought myself a flour (flower) for Valentines day. I feel so happy.
2. Athena gave me flowers for a late Valentines gift. That was nice.
3. I also got a piercing.
- cigarettes, and underground music
- flower crowns, bandanas, and internationally famous indie bands