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Popsicle Darts
Th 131: Marriage, Love, and Romance with Failure

My Theology professor is such an asshole. It just shows that people who are more affiliated with religion, aren’t necessarily nice people.

I missed my exam because my physiological needs of sleep have forced my body to wake up really late missing the ring of the alarm clock. My professor didn’t allow me to have a make-up exam, which is unfair because that means I will get a bad grade in Theology EVEN THOUGH my grade will not fully represent my knowledge of Theology. I studied so hard, and accidentally fell asleep, but since it’s “not a good enough” excuse, well I just give up. I value my academics too much that I try to burn my eyebrows just to study all night for my exams. However, some people do not appreciate this.

I thought about the value of just one test. How will it affect me? I am able to live with my low self-concept by consistently getting above average grades. However, this Theology exam will forever stain my record. The grades I worked hard for in order to achieve. Without my grades, I have no medium of compensation. However, I just thought of all the people out there. Some people don’t go to school. Some people don’t get the grades they want. Some people flunk. It happens. This is life. I have contemplated about committing suicide, because I felt that without my academics, my life has no meaning. However, that’s life. Things happen for a reason, and if getting a really bad grade, possibly failing Theology is the way through which I may achieve something great in the future. Then let it be. That’s life.

Sometimes, I just have to be optimistic that even though things aren’t going well for me now, it will eventually. One test may affect me greatly, but I’ll just have to think about how to get back up because there will always be assholes in the world (professors, bosses, parents, “friends”, acquaintances, etc.). I’ll just have to live with that, and move on. Get back up, and prove to the world that I can do it. I can be better.

do i bother you? :(
Anonymous

How would I know if I don’t even know you? :(

わたしはマユキさんです。アテネおでマニラだいがくのさんねんねんせいです。ちょっとにほんごをはなします。すぐにきっさてんのイスタリバクスでコヒをのみませんか。
Anonymous

ああーそうですね。ぼくも三ねんせい。えと。。。ええ、スタルバクスにあなたにあえる、でも。。。あなたがだれ?「マユキさん」が知らなくてすみません。あなたといっしょに授業があってとった?

If my mind was an abstract thing, “non-existent”, a result of my cells interacting, then why do I know that my mind is literally shit?

Art

I met this guy once. Or twice. I don’t remember when, but I think I already saw him before. I think he was there in the subway with me. He might have been in Mcdonald’s while I ordered the cheeseburger. He was in my class back in high school. He was art.

That was his name. Art.

I never really believed in “love at first sight”, but I was sure that wherever I looked, I would see him there. He was love. I was in love. I loved him, the essence of who he was; art. Despite this, our relationship was that of a stalker and the stalkee. I was the stalker.

I did my best to get art to love me. However, he never really did. Slowly, I moved up the ranks. I went from stranger, to acquaintances, to friends, to good friends. Currently, I’m stuck, and I don’t know how to get him to like me. His relationship with others seem to be more romantic, erotic. Art is a sexual being, doing “it” with whoever he pleases. Squirting paint, cum- all over their minds. I still try my best to get a taste of his cum, but I know that I-compared to others-am less loved by him. One day, I’ll suck it all in; but now, I’ll just sleep through this torture. The torture of being less loved for this polygamy of art hurts. Though he keeps my soul sane.

One day he’ll love me as how he loves others. One day, I’ll find my self-worth. He’ll caress my hands as we sit on the subway train. He’ll feel my lips as I eat at Mcdonald’s. He’ll teach me love and art in class. Art will love me, but now, he loves other people. No one knows, but I’m terrified that maybe I won’t be good enough for him. My relationship with art might not—might never be as good as his relationship with others. 

I am so scared. For my art.

Dreams - “No”

I’ve been having real weird scary dreams these past few days that led me to barely having any sleep. Real weird.

My first dream, I think, was that the APO lolas that I was supposed to visit last Friday were in my room. They were just talking to me, and they barely made any sense. It’s not like the normal not making sense, it’s the really weird kind of not making sense. Their sentences were just very random. Imagine someone saying: “I like dancing. Because computers are technology”. Seriously very weird.

My second dream, was that I apparently smoked weed. This one’s the “What the actual fuck” moment. In this dream, I was at my other house and then boom. There were some high shit that went on, but I just kept on going 

Third dream was kind of less weird. I just kept on repeating the word “Technology” and benzodiazepines was a code word for weed. I built a dinosaur head using the benzodiazepines.

Lonely

My word of the week. Ever since moving into this house of mine, I thought that I could finally have some time off from the hectic blend of college and city life.

I did. However, I didn’t know that I would end up feeling this lonely. Every second ends up parading itself around my mind. Forced to watch it pass by.

I thank God for movies. They help me speed up this whole waiting game.

i dont have it. so can i get it na lang?
Anonymous

Being anon online won’t get you my number. Sorry.

can i text you?
Anonymous

Go lang. How do you know my number? :O

i wanna talk to you. i need a confidante right now :(
Anonymous

Go ahead. :) Just message me anywhere, haha.

no i am a different guy from the guy from my place. ako yung nagask ng last three questions tho. you don't know me in person. as in you really don't pero we have common friends na kaclose-ish mo pero i was in orsem ;)
Anonymous

Ohh, you’re the non-chinese guy then. :) Which committee ka nung orsem? Haha

oh really? i thought you had one kasi chinese mafia and all. hihi. jk. anyways, hiiiiiiiiiii! dontcha have ask. fm para mas madali? huhu. btw i am your orgmate in one of your orgs and i plan to be active in that org so seeyah around. i hope ya know me when you see me :)
Anonymous

WHICH ONE? D: Hahaha, I plan to drop some of my orgs, haha so yeah. I kind of have a clue, but I’m still not sure. :(

oh and btw, congrats. ;) (this should give you a clue on who i am)
Anonymous

I think I know who this is, but then I’m still not sure. Haha, someone said that he wasn’t chinese, and someone said he was from myplace, but I don’t think you’re them so…. I’m confused. Haha

I kind of made this last Saturday I think. I read a children’s book called “Goose Goes Shopping” a few days before Saturday. Pretty amazing shit right there.

I realized I wanted to make my own children’s book too.

[07.19.14]

Hi Sid. I like you. As in I really do. But (there's always a but) here's the thing: I am not chinese. But I am gwapo.
Anonymous

Haha, thanks! I’m really flattered. Honestly though, wala naman akong great wall. Doesn’t matter if you’re not Chinese (I’ve seen Chinese guys all throughout highschool, medyo sawa na ako haha), but sabi nga nila “yung isa sa reasons kung bakit hindi ka crush ng crush mo is: hindi ka niya kilala”. Say hi lang :)