It’s Thursday. I just finished doing my school work, exams for the week just finished, and I am tired. A good time to ponder on life. I haven’t been in a completely good mood, so I’ll just do a quick run through the worst things that have happened to my life.
1. At around age 5, my brother sexually abused me. He was 11 at the time. I lost my oral virginity during my childhood. This only happened once though.
2. Throughout my childhood, the same brother physically abused me as well, threatening me with violence if I choose not to do what he says (simple things like getting him water, etc.). He would often punch me, or kick me for being a “bad kid” whenever there aren’t any adults around. This lasted for around 6 years.
3. When I started studying in school, I was often bullied for many purposes (usually because I was thought to be gay). This is the reason as to why I currently have major anxiety issues. This lasted for 10 years. From elementary school to high school, I was bullied through verbal and relational aggression because of speculations that I was gay (which was horrible, because I actually am gay, and it destroyed my self-conception). I was outcasted, and was forced to find support from the girls. I grew up thinking that being gay meant I was destined to be outcasted from society.
4. The bullying in high school got so bad, that I reached a point in my life where in I wanted to kill myself. I already had a plan to kill myself, but I was eventually able to change my mind and get back up with a little help from some of my closest best friends who were there for me at the lowest point of my life. My suicidal thoughts were rooted to majority of my peers humiliating me for a cover I did on Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way”. It hurt for two major reasons:
- It was as if society was telling me that my life goal was unreachable, and I felt as if I had no talent, as if I was vocally incompetent, and that my goal to be a singer was next to impossible. My dreams were being shattered right then and there.
- As an adolescent, peers’ acceptance is a vital thing. As more of my batch mates in high school directly showed me hatred, disgust, degradation, and humiliation, I was also unable to accept myself for my sexuality (since I was also a Christian at the time, until now) and identity status (since I firmly believed that no one was going to like me).
My self-esteem at the time was at its all time low. I believed I was incompetent and I lacked the ability to achieve anything. I also believed that I was at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and no one was going to like me no matter what I did. I feel as if I had no talents, no capabilities, like I was worthless, like no one loved me. Until now, these thoughts still haunt me, but I just try to think positively. No one knows how hard I try just to get over these thoughts, these doubts of my own self-worth in my mind. As I reminisce how I was humiliated constantly whenever the teacher wasn’t around, I could just remember how my peers laughed at my embarrassment. How some of my friends just ignored what was happening, and did nothing. It was like torture that I could not escape. Thankfully, it didn’t take long before we graduated high school.
5. Lastly, my currently ongoing issue involves my family for 2 reasons:
- Just recently, my brother’s fiance (one of my best friends) died because of organ complications. My brother is taking it hard (its the same brother who abused me as a child), but in order to cope with this experience, he found a new girlfriend. He does not have any friends, and has only minimal support from our family, which is why he turns to women for emotional support. My family is fighting because of this issue; and the stress from the family conflict paired with the difficulty of coping after her death is just a big emotional burden.
- My family has consistently told me since I was a kid that being gay is a bad thing, and they told me that I would be kicked out from our house if I were to be a homosexual. I myself am already half-way out of the closet, since most of my friends know of my homosexuality. My friends are very accepting in which they helped me in my personal adjustment by providing me with support; however, at home, my sexuality is still a constant issue that is always at the back of my mind. Knowing that I would have to leave my family eventually, because they can never provide me with the warmth and acceptance of a real family is a sad image for me.
Luckily, my god-mother, my nanny since I was born, actually had an emotional experience with me when I decided to come out to her. It was a risk, but coming out to her made me feel as if a big burden was lifted off. She initially reacted negatively because of her strong Roman Catholic beliefs, but after a few tears, she set aside her own beliefs and was eventually able to understand and accept me unconditionally. This is why she is one of the few people I consider as my real family. Without her there, I would not have been able to cope with all of the depressive negative experiences from my past, and I would never be who I am now.